Wounded Heart

Calm seas

Nice breeze

Living so carefree

Reminds me of where I want to be

Away from a cold heart

A wounded heart

Full of pain, despair, but hope that it can be redeemed

Hope that one day the walls will disintegrate

Give those who love me the whole me, not pieces

I see a drifter writing in the sand

The words blow through the wind and whisper to me

"Be happy, be free, be at peace"

Peace is something I may never feel

I am surrounded by love, but feel so alone

My soul has been raped

My spirit taken away

This has changed who I am, who I was supposed to be

Having a guarded heart is a smart precaution

Having a locked heart without a key is a tragedy

If I can't unlock my heart, then who else can?

I look to the sea

Feel the calm breeze

Maybe it will come to me

Fix my soul, fix my heart, fix my being

Love is within me

I just need the key

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"Moonlight Shores" by Kyle Krone

@kylekrone

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Follow my blog and follow me on twitter:  @mysanityblog

Sandusky Needs to Stop Talking...or Not!

Everytime he opens his mouth, he is just sealing his fate. "I regret showering with those kids,"   "Sexually attracted, no. I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But, no, I'm not sexually attracted to young boys."  "I didn't go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I've helped." 
Are you freaking kidding me?  If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, guess what?  It is a duck.  You might find some kids that will say, "Oh he didn't molest me" but a pedophile does not seek out every child they come into contact with.  They choose children they think they'll "get away" with it, someone they have built trust with.  He is disgusting and I don't know why he in out on an unsecured bond.  It is very disturbing that from past interviews he tells the reporter that now he wants to focus on his charity for helping kids.  He set up a charity just so he could have access to these kids.  I think this is on another level of pervertness.  Then this graduate assistant who saw Sandusky raping a boy in the showers and didn't do anything about it?  Yes, he told the athletic director, but he actually witnessed it in action and just went away?  If he was afraid somehow of how Sandusky would react, why not grab some other people to back you up and then go stop it?  So while he left that room, a poor little boy was being raped and you just look the other way?  It is one thing to be told that a child is being molested and then to actually see it happening.  I'm sure that boy could have used a hero that day.  Then the director didn't do anything and it goes on and on, this perv continues to assault who knows how many more children.  Sandusky made another comment that disturbs me,  he showered with and "horsed around" with boys.  Ok, "horsing around" does not mean it is ok to mount these kids like a horse. Why was he in the shower with these kids anyway?  Did anyone else not think it was inappropriate?  If I saw some adult male going in the showers with little kids, I would take a second glance.  These kids were not babies that needed help in the shower, they were perfectly capable of showering themselves.  I think we give people of authority too much slack when it comes to kids.  Some people are afraid to stand up to them, say something with fear of retaliation, not wanting to embarrass them, not wanting to believe what was going on, etc, but when it comes to kids, you can't be afraid.  It is their life and livelihood at stake.  Children are innocent and deserve to be protected, and it just breaks my heart to think about how those kids lives are changed forever because of this pervert.  Look at him for what he is, a monster.  If I see a child being hurt or hear about a child being molested, I will do everything I can to stop and report it and if someone ever hurts my kids, I don't care if it is the president of the United States, I will do everything in my power to protect my children, period.

HPV- I Have it, Do You?

I have always had normal pap smears, so being told that I have HPV after my last yearly visit really shocked me.  I have HPV, a sexually transmitted disease?  Am I going to get cervical cancer?  How did I get it?  My husband and I were virgins when we first started dating, and I know that I didn't cheat, so did he?  What is going to happen next?  Will I be able to have more kids?  What treatment will I have to endure?  All these questions popped in my head and I was scared.  It all started after I got a call from my doctor's nurse, she left a message and told me I needed to call back right away, it was about the results of my pap smear.  Immediate dread filled my mind, this couldn't be good news.  They never call if the results are normal, they just send you a little note in the mail if that is the case, not a phone call.  So I call and talk to the nurse.  She explains that the results showed I have HPV and that abnormal cells were found.  I needed to have them removed and tested to make sure it wasn't anything more serious, but according to the test, it showed  LSIL (Low grade squamous intraepithelial lesion). The nurse might has well been speaking french, cause I had no idea what the heck that meant.  I googled it and my fears subsided a little bit, it just meant there were mild changes in the cells, but I needed to to go back to the doctor to confirm this was the case, that it was LSIL.  I went back and had a colposcopy, which is where the doctor did a biopsy of the 3 lesions found on my cervix that had the abnormal cells and the reslts confirmed the LSIL.  Soon after, my doc decided to do a Cryosurgery which is freezing the cervix to destroy any other abnormal cells that might be present.  It wasn't too bad, just felt a little cramping during and afterwards.  I asked the doc a bunch of questions, that included how HPV was transmitted and he told me it isn't always passed through sex, you can be exposed to it by just having genital contact, not necessarily through intercourse.  Ok, well neither my husband or I need to discuss all the details of our sexual explorations before our relationship.  Technically neither one of us actually had sexual intercourse with another person, but that doesn't mean we didn't have close encounters.  End of that discussion!  Also, need to clear something else up, HPV is very common and most women have it, but that does not mean we are the ones passing it all over the place.  There is not a test for men, so there is no way to know who gave it to who, we are just the ones that find out about it usually through an abnormal test.  I have had to go back every 3 months to make sure test results show a normal pap smear, and I have gone back twice and so far, so good.  Just have to go back and keep getting tested, most of the time, the virus will clear up and nothing advances further.  So, if you find out you have HPV and/or have a abnormal pap smear:  1)Don't freak out like I did, 2)ask as many questions as possible so you don't freak out, 3)Don't jump to conclusions like your husband must of cheated on you, 4)realize it is very common and you could have gotten it from what's his name from high school who told you you were the most beautiful girl in class and got all naked with him, was about to play "hide the sausage" then realized his bedroom was dirty and then started to feel dirty, then booked it out of there, 5)get treated, 6)follow up with your doctor, 7) keep getting those darn uncomfortable pap smears, and 8) get the facts from a place like hpv.com.

I just wish that hpv vaccine was available when I was younger, my daughter will get it when she gets older and I am not afraid it will cause mental retardation like that uninformed and hears one thing and presents it as fact lady who is running for office, you know who. Those pap smears are so important and it drives me crazy when I hear from some women that they keep forgetting to go get their annual checkup.  Just do it, it could save your life!

My Son's "Private" Conversations

As a mom of a 3 year old son, there have been many squeamish moments of him playing with his "little" man.  I remember him as a baby using every opportunity to touch it, pull it, rub it against his diaper, EWW and it hasn't stopped since.  I know it is a boy thing and since I am his mom and not his dad, I have a tendency to just look the other way while my husband says, "that's my boy!"  As a baby and until recently, his sessions with his pee pee have mostly been nonverbal quick touches here and there.  Now he has decided to take his relationship to another level.....HE TALKS TO IT.  Now you might think this is normal and kind of funny, but where it gets weirder (is that a word?), HE TRIES TO GET ME TO TALK TO IT.  Ok, little boy, that is where I draw the line.  That is fine if you want to tell Mr. Pee Pee that the two of you are going to go pee pee and poopie in the toilet, but don't try to get mommy to tell Mr. Pee Pee that too, I won't, I can't, I shouldn't, I just want to book it out of that restroom as soon as possible!  I don't remember reading anything in toilet training books or blogs, etc about this situation.  "Dear Mommies and Daddies, while toilet training, your son will develop a verbal relationship with his peter, Don't be alarmed, this is completely normal."  Since the books, websites, and other people have not told me of this, Is it normal?  I don't know, or does my son have an imagination on another realm of boyhood?  He is 3 1/2 and is still fighting me with toilet training, so I still have to go in the bathroom with him, otherwise he will just pee his pants.  He wants me to stay in the room with him, read him a book, and sit there while he sings "Twinkle twinkle, little star"  ....too his... you guessed it, his pee pee.  Ok, I honestly do not know where he got that, I have never sang that song while he has gone to the bathroom although if you think about it, it is kind of clever (you know, twinkle twinkle, you could change it to tinkle tinkle little star).  So everyday, I have to anticipate what kind of songs my son might sing to his pee pee today.  Will it be, "Baa Baa Black Sheep?" - maybe not cause his baa baa black sheep doesn't have any wool, he was circumcised, so let's see.... what about, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle..."  Ok, dear LORD, I hope not since that seems like a hands on kind of song.  Now, I am rethinking the kinds of songs I sing to him, because now they have the potential of being on his playlist.  After explaining to him at bathtime last week to call his pee pee his "private," that this is his "private," mommy has a "private," daddy has a "private," his sister has a "private," last night while giving him a bath, I discovered his new song.  I know you are anxiously waiting for the song, what could it be?  Well, while I was drying him with a towel, he goes, "Mommy look at my pirate.... Argh matey, it is my pirate, Argh Argh Argh,”  then proceeds to sing that "Yo Ho Ho" song from Jake and the Neverland Pirates cartoon on Disney.  This little kid thought I told him it was a pirate!  I had to leave the room, or I was going to start busting out laughing and probably would not stop.  All these things were racing in my mind like, oh my gosh, my son is going to have a pirate fetish when he grows up.  He will have his girlfriends dress up like wenches and him a pirate while he looks for the "booty" and the "treasure" so to speak.  What have I done to  my son!?!?  I know I was just being dramatic, so I returned to the room and explained that it is a "Pri-vate not Pir-ate," then he says in a giggle, "Oh....it is a private? Not a pirate?  Oh so silly mommy."  Well that resolved that.  (whew...., big relief)  Now I need to do everything in my powers to make sure he does not see any military shows....Lord how exhausting!

My Girl Doesn't Like Bows

If you were 1 1/2, would you like to wear something poky or hair pulling on your head?  So why do people insist that my daughter must wear a bow or hair clip at all times?  She is still a girl even if she doesn't wear a stupid bow.  When I do try to put a bow in her hair, it lasts maybe a minute and that is pushing it.  It is like an automatic response, place hair thingy majigy on head, girl takes off.  It goes hand in hand.  One time a family member came over and I did not have a (I know you will gasp) bow in her hair and she said to my girl, not to me, but to my little girl," Oh poor girl, you look just like your brother without a hair bow.  Mommy needs to fix that, otherwise how can people tell you"re a girl?"  Ok, poor girl?  Really?  If she really suffering because she doesn't have a pink polka dot headband with a 2 foot tall flower attached to it on top of her 1/2 inch of hair?  First of all, we were at home and the family member stopped by for a few hours so I don't know who these people are she is referring to because if we don't know she is a girl, there is a major problem.  Second, she was wearing a purple shirt with a white and purple skirt, I don't know who dresses their boy like that unless they are raising him in a "gender boundary-less" environment.  Third, she does not look like her brother without a bow, she is 1 1/2, he is 3 1/2; she has dark brown eyes, he has light brown eyes; she hardly has any hair, he has tons of it, so this person obviously isn't very observant and was just making a "poke" with her statement. 
There is another person in the family that insists on hunting down a hair clip of some kind if I can't seem to find one to put on her.  OH MY GOSH, the world is ending, my precious little girl is going to poof into a boy if we do not find a giant bow to stick in her hair!  It is too late for her, so save yourselves! 
Then there is the dreaded, I must not have enough hats for her to wear, so here is another one that you have to put on her this very moment so I believe you really like it situation.  Ok lady, it is 100 degrees out here, I am not going to put on a stupid woolly head piece on my little girl who already sweats more then her Dad and I combined.  She is one sweaty little girl.  It can be 50 degrees outside and she will still perspire.  I know that it is fun to dress girls up, I know because I have one, but she does not have to wear girl things every single day to show the world she has XX chromosomes.  A girl is a girl without the pink frilly tops, without the purple tutu skirts, and without the freaking overboard uncomfortable headbands/clips/hats.  What is next?  I swear, those same people better not buy her a stupid t shirt when she gets older like that JcPenny shirt that read "I'm too pretty to do homework, I'll have my brother do it."  It was something like that.  I think I'll just lose it!

Childbirth-Risking Your Life

That is the wake up call that I received when I heard a friend of a friend died during childbirth. This can still happen?  I mean with all the medical advances, more atuned doctors and nurses, ultrasounds, checking and double checking, etc... how can this still occur?  Granted, we do live in a country where having a baby is not as much as a risk compared to other countries, but it is still scary to think that it still happens.  I did not know this person, but I have a friend who grew up with her, and that is still a little too close to home for me.  The woman who died had a c-section and bled to death due to placenta accreta.  Placenta accreta is when the placenta attaches itself deep into the uterine wall and sometimes other organs.  I'm not sure exactly how deep it attached itself, but it was enough to cause hemorrhaging and thus her death.  At first I thought, did they not do an ultrasound and discover this ahead of time?  I mean, I had 5 or 6 ultrasounds during my pregnancies because I was at high risk(high blood pressure) , but I know someone who isn't high risk still has a couple ultrasounds.  Were they not prepared for this ahead of time?  It is just heartbreaking to think that this poor mother died on the operating table and possibly before even holding her baby.  Then I started reading more about the condition and even if they discover this condition, most of the time there is nothing they can do to treat it.  All they can do is monitor the situation, prepare for a c-section, perform a hysterectomy if necessary, and hope the mother doesn't start to hemorrhage.  In this case, they weren't so lucky.  I know as a mother we would put our own life at risk to save our children, but it is a huge lightblub flashing moment  that we already have put our life at risk just giving birth to them.  My husband and I have been contemplating on whether or not to have a 3rd child.  During my own pregnancies, we worried about me bleeding too much because my platelets were always low.  So, I couldn't even have an epidural with the worry I might bleed too much.  Then later I found out this was the lady's 3rd child.  I don't know if someone out there in the universe is trying to tell me something, but it makes me feel like 2 children is good enough for me and 3 is not meant to be.  It might seem ridiculous to not have a 3rd child because of what happened to this mother who I didn't even know personally, but it is just weird how my husband and I sat down and were seriously (not just lightly touching the subject) asking ourselves if we should have one more and said we would sleep on it.  Then the next day, we found all this out.  A message or coincidence?  I guess we'll have to do more soul searching. 
Now, I would like to take a moment and say "Thank you to all the Moms for putting your lives at risk by having a child.  Having a baby is truly a miracle that we take for granted.  WE ARE ALL HEROES!"

So what are your worries on childbrith?  I would like to hear from you!  Follow me on twitter @mysanityblog, become a member of my blog, and spread the love to your followers, family, friends,and enemies! (I don't discriminate)  :-)

Mommy High/Lows of the Week

Lows:

1.  Little man ran into the couch and cut bottom and top gums.  He ripped the skin that attaches the top gum to the upper lip.  Talk about major ouch! After a few minutes of crying, son was fine, but Mommy needed to lay down for just a sec...

2.  Little man tripped and fell on top of sister's head as she was laying on the floor.  Major tears for all three of us! She was fine, but again, Mommy needed to lay down for just a sec...

3.  Forgot to drain and remove the kiddie pool off the grass after a week.  Can you say, rotting grass? Mommy tried to hide the big circle of yellow, fly hoovering grass from Daddy, but the stench gave it away.  "No, honey, you don't really want to go in the backyard do you? I heard a rattle snake earlier. No, wait.... huh?  What smell? I don't smell anything." 

4.  Little girl slapped mommy hard across the face.  Put her in 1st time out, but this was kind of a "high" too because she looked so darn cute standing in the corner for like 5 seconds.  Also, her "mean" face at mommy as she looked back at me from the corner was priceless.

5.  Still in a power struggle with son regarding toilet training.  Decided to do the bare butt thing and gave son a towel to use to sit on when he is on the floor, chair, etc.  Husband came home and used said towel to dry face after he washed it in the sink.  After telling husband what he just did, husband now worries he'll get pink eye.

Highs:

1.  Took son to the dentist to check teeth after "low" incident #1 and he was wonderful.  No fuss, no running for the hills, and no bribery needed! 

2.  Went to get son a haircut before it turns into a full mullet and again, the "perfect" child.  No fuss, no running for the hills, and no bribery needed!  (I'm sure this won't last)

3.  Little lady added a few more words to her vocabulary.  "Otro" which means "other" in English, "this" and "este" which is Spanish for this, "autobus" which is "bus" in English, and "nose."  It is amazing how much little kids pick up.  One week she is only saying 2 words and then BAM, 5 more words in a week! Let's see if she picks up the words "f*ck" and "sh*t in next week's vocabulary.  Those have been popular words this week especially during the husband part of low # 5. 

4.  Doing my domestic wife and mommy duties, made dinner every single day this week (well there is still today's dinner challenge, so we will see, ok and the weekend left, so almost a work week!)

5.  Tried a new flavor of coffee by Don Francisco, Cinnamon Hazelnut.  It was a piece of heaven I enjoyed early in the morning before the kids woke up and created "lows" #1, 2, & 4.

So what are your high/lows of the week?  I would like to hear from you!  Follow me on twitter @mysanityblog, become a member of my blog, and spread the love to your followers, family, friends,and enemies! (I don't discriminate)  :-)