Running On Empty

On Today Moms, they conducted a study among moms (I wasn't a part of it) that showed some insight on just how moms feel about motherhood.  Some of the "secrets" that moms revealed were that
"I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I am overwhelmed and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it.” and some prefer sleep over sex.  There were many more, some I could relate to and others I was like, "really?"  For instance, moms confessed to regular medicating their kids so they could get some peace and quiet in the home.  Trying not to judge, because I have thought about how nice it would be to give them a dose of something so they could just knock the f out, but this just seems wrong.  Anywho, not judging...  :-)  Oh, judging was another thing that moms confessed to doing, like if you see an overweight child, many moms judge to themselves that how can that kid's mom allow the child to get like that.  I'll admit, I do judge sometimes (like I just did about the medication), but most of the time before I judge, I think about my own situation and try to put myself in the other mom's shoes.  When I do that, I don't judge, I empathize.  We need more support and empathy for us moms.  It is hard enough as it is to be a mom and then we have to worry about other moms judging us when everyone else in our lives already do that?  I can relate to many of the confessions moms made in the study, like the crying cause of being overwhelmed thing.  I get stressed out some days and feel like I do not have anyone to talk to.  My hubby is already stressed out because of work, my other mom friends have their own worries so why put that on them, and I don't want to worry my parents.  So, it is easy to feel alone.  It is hard to reach out when you have a worry you might be judged if you put it out there.  The "prefer sleep to sex" confession is one of mine as well.  You are just so freaking tired, taking care of the kids, fixing breakfast/lunch/dinner, doing chores, cleaning up the kid's mess, picking up toys for the umpteenth time, running errands, etc etc etc oh yeah now it is 10 o'clock and I need to take another shower to "freshen up" and slip into something sexy to go at it and exhaust myself for another 20 minutes.  I feel sorry for my hubby because most nights I just want to freaking sleep!  I don't feel sexy, I don't have any energy left, I could just lay there and sleep for a week. 

Some other confessions that I have are:
1.  There are times I just want to be left alone and don't want to deal with the kids at all
2.  After my son not listening to me for the whole day, I let some things slip when I shouldn't cause I just don't have the energy to correct him or put him in time out.  At that moment, I just don't care!
3.  If I get invited to do something and I don't feel like going, I'll use my kids as an excuse to get out of it.  "Oh, so and so isn't feeling well, "Little one has a doctor appointment," or "She's just really clingy right now, it will be a headache."
4.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom.  Of course I love my kids and love being a mom, but there are those times I fantasize on my pre-baby days.  You can go to the movies when you want, sleep in till noon, you can just get up and go and not have to pack for an army, you can sit down an enjoy an entire meal in peace, and you can go to the bathroom without worrying the house will burn down. 
5.  I get annoyed and frustrated if my kids don't take their naps.  I know they are little and don't do it on purpose, but there are days when I really need them to take a nap or I'm going to lose it.  So the days I have the least amount of patience, they seem to not go down for sleepytime.  Like that book reads, "Baby, Go the F the Sleep!"  (that book is genius by the way)

When all is said and done, all my 18 mo old has to do is give me one of her big goofy smiles or my 3 yr old will ask me "Mommy, you need a hug?" to snap me back to my sane, more patient self. 
It is important that we get the support, help, alone time, and rest we need.  By giving us these things, it allows us to be better moms and not flip out.  We are like rubber bands, we can only be stretched so much before we break. 

Releasing the Anger

OK, so my anger towards my parents, especially my mom comes and goes.  I have so much resentment towards her because of my child molestation. 
I don't remember when the molestation started, but I know when it stopped, I was six.  I remember because the principal pulled me from class and my cousin was in his office.  My cousin, really the hero for it stopping, told the principal that he was being molested by our uncle.  Uncle "Perv" is what I now call him.  In that confession, my cousin also told the principal that I was also being molested.  I denied that I was being molested  for reasons I am still not sure of, but did state that my cousin was. Because of this, my uncle was arrested and eventually put in jail.  Maybe part of the reason I denied it is because before this happened, I told my Grandma (that is where it happened, my uncle lived there and she "babysat" my brother, cousin, and I and we would spend the night) and all I got out of her was "oh he wouldn't do that."  Later, I told my parents.  I remember sitting down with them and said that uncle so and so was touching me down there.  I was a little girl, I couldn't explain at the time that he was putting his hands down my pants and doing gross things.  I don't want to elaborate too much, but you can imagine among other things he would do that I shall not name.  I don't remember their reaction because I was crying, all I know is that it didn't stop.  I was still being "watched" by my grandma and all my dad said was that I couldn't go on his motorcycle anymore.  So you think he was molesting me on his motorcycle?  Ok... so it continued until that fateful day when my cousin rescued me, not my parents, not my grandma, but my 9 year old cousin.  Over the years I learned that they thought that maybe my uncle accidentally touched me, like brushing against me or something.  That I was a paranoid little girl and weren't sure to believe me or not.  Ok, did you ever think that maybe I was paranoid because  my uncle was taking me in the back room while my grandma was sleeping and doing those nasty things to me?  Even if they weren't sure, why risk it and put me in the same situation?  I guess because they needed a babysitter and instead of finding another one, it probably wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be right?  Even him being in jail didn't stop him from talking to me.  I was still being watched by my grandma after he was in jail and he would call from jail and she would put me on the phone with him because he wanted to talk to his baby.  How sick is that?  Then after he was out of jail (he did 7 years), my parents invited him over for Thanksgiving dinner.  The only reason he didn't come over was because I overheard my parents talking and started crying.  I didn't want to see that perv and all my mom said was "Why don't you like  my family?"  Ok, let me see here, because they are crazy sick people? If you were raped, would you want to see your rapist at Thanksgiving dinner?  Then another time I went with my family to see my grandparents and he was going to be there and I was told, "He will only be there for a little while."  So basically just suck it up and deal with it.  I spent the whole time in the kitchen avoiding him while he was in the living room.  I have all this resentment and I don't know how to release the anger.  I am not really mad at my uncle, he is a perv and I have accepted that.  Never in my life again, ever, but I don't hold any anger towards him.  What is worse then being molested is nobody believing you or doing anything about it.  I think I hold the resentment towards my mom because it was her brother and she is suppose to have protective instincts like a mother bear and not let anyone hurt her babies.  After telling my parents as an adult exactly how I felt, my dad seemed remorseful and would have done things differently.  My mom just didn't "get" it and I have the feeling that if she could have done it over, she would have done the same thing.  Her excuse was that she was a young parent (she was 27 at the time) and wasn't sure how to handle it.  To this day, she still keeps in contact with my uncle which boggles my mind. I try to have a relationship with her and most of the time we get along fine, but there is always this wall that is between us and I don't think I will ever put it down.  I heard a quote on Oprah before that "forgiveness is not about letting the person back in your life.  Forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could have been different."  Letting go of the anger is a constant battle that I hope one day I will win.

A Whole Bunch of Poo

Oh my, what is it with kids and poop?  Is it really that fascinating?  Why can't they smell what we do and be disgusted?  Those and more are questions that I have asked myself because of some recent poo incidents that have occurred in my household.  A few days ago, I was taking a nap with my son and woke up to realize that my baby girl has been napping for quite awhile and I haven't heard a peep.  So, I decide to enter her room and right away as usual, she is right there with a big ol' grin, jumping anxiously in her crib waiting for me to pick her up.  I do what I usually do, smile and grab a hold of her, but I soon realize something is wrong, stinky wrong.  I look in her crib, her diaper is off, streaks of poo smeared on her sheet, her mouth lined with brown stuff, her hands and fingernails with a chunk of it, and her left foot also had it as if she was stepping in it.  Right away, I change my friendly demeanor into a shriek of "OH NO, GROSS, eww, eww, eww, eww!"  I must say though that I did handle it alot better than when it happened with my son when he was a baby.  I think with him if I recall correctly, my reaction was something like, "HONEY, GET IN HERE NOW, HURRAY I NEED HELP, OH MY GOD!"  Of course my "honey" thought I was having a heart attack or something and was running upstairs with the phone getting ready to call 911.  I have never seen anyone so relieved to find out it was just crap thrown on the walls and my son using his poo as a shampoo in his hair.  So what is the fascination with poo?  Is it cuz of the texture, sometimes lumpy, other times smooth like peanut butter?  Is it fun to play with like a wet version of playdoh? How can they taste it and not puke?
Well my little girl is still an angel and my son has turned out fine so far (he's under 5), so I guess there are worse things they could get into, right?  (I'm trying to think of some things)
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention the worst part.  As I picked her up and was about to kiss her on the back of the head out of habit, I quickly stopped myself because as I smelled the poop in her hair and noticed there were two little pieces of green stuff clinging to her hair strands.  Then I remembered, she had peas as a part of her lunch earlier that day.  BARF!

Pumping blood back to the heart

Ok, well this is my first post and I wanted it to be about the main reason I am doing this blog.  I was molested as a child and I am still dealing with alot of pain from it.  Being molested was not the worst part, it was that my parents did not do anything about it.  I am in my 30s with two small children and my biggest worry is that I will never have the kind of relationship with my kids that I want because of the kind of person I have become because of what happened.  I love my kids more than anything, but I sometimes am closed off emotionally that I feel I have no control of.  I have been to countless therapists and read many books and nothing has seemed to "fix" things.  The only thing that does seem to help is talking about the sexual abuse with others, so I thought what better way to get my pain out then through a blog.  I of course will blog about other things too, like motherhood, day to day frustrations, humorous topics (even though the start of this blog isn't one), and just whatever topics may come up. 

I know there are many other people out there that have gone through the same thing, but we just keep it under the rug as if it didn't happen.  I know from my experience I have been told things like "it happened so long ago, you shouldn't still be dealing with this, "you have to just let it go, " was it really that bad?"  Those are from people that just don't get it or don't care to.  We need to clean the dirt that has been swept under the rug and bring it to the surface.  It is still a taboo subject and it shouldn't be.  By not talking about it or being made to feel bad by talking about it, creates a feeling like "we" did something wrong or that we should just "drop" it.  Talking about this openly and honestly is the only way we can help prevent molestation, help others heal from abuse, and to educate people about it.