OK, so my anger towards my parents, especially my mom comes and goes. I have so much resentment towards her because of my child molestation.
I don't remember when the molestation started, but I know when it stopped, I was six. I remember because the principal pulled me from class and my cousin was in his office. My cousin, really the hero for it stopping, told the principal that he was being molested by our uncle. Uncle "Perv" is what I now call him. In that confession, my cousin also told the principal that I was also being molested. I denied that I was being molested for reasons I am still not sure of, but did state that my cousin was. Because of this, my uncle was arrested and eventually put in jail. Maybe part of the reason I denied it is because before this happened, I told my Grandma (that is where it happened, my uncle lived there and she "babysat" my brother, cousin, and I and we would spend the night) and all I got out of her was "oh he wouldn't do that." Later, I told my parents. I remember sitting down with them and said that uncle so and so was touching me down there. I was a little girl, I couldn't explain at the time that he was putting his hands down my pants and doing gross things. I don't want to elaborate too much, but you can imagine among other things he would do that I shall not name. I don't remember their reaction because I was crying, all I know is that it didn't stop. I was still being "watched" by my grandma and all my dad said was that I couldn't go on his motorcycle anymore. So you think he was molesting me on his motorcycle? Ok... so it continued until that fateful day when my cousin rescued me, not my parents, not my grandma, but my 9 year old cousin. Over the years I learned that they thought that maybe my uncle accidentally touched me, like brushing against me or something. That I was a paranoid little girl and weren't sure to believe me or not. Ok, did you ever think that maybe I was paranoid because my uncle was taking me in the back room while my grandma was sleeping and doing those nasty things to me? Even if they weren't sure, why risk it and put me in the same situation? I guess because they needed a babysitter and instead of finding another one, it probably wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be right? Even him being in jail didn't stop him from talking to me. I was still being watched by my grandma after he was in jail and he would call from jail and she would put me on the phone with him because he wanted to talk to his baby. How sick is that? Then after he was out of jail (he did 7 years), my parents invited him over for Thanksgiving dinner. The only reason he didn't come over was because I overheard my parents talking and started crying. I didn't want to see that perv and all my mom said was "Why don't you like my family?" Ok, let me see here, because they are crazy sick people? If you were raped, would you want to see your rapist at Thanksgiving dinner? Then another time I went with my family to see my grandparents and he was going to be there and I was told, "He will only be there for a little while." So basically just suck it up and deal with it. I spent the whole time in the kitchen avoiding him while he was in the living room. I have all this resentment and I don't know how to release the anger. I am not really mad at my uncle, he is a perv and I have accepted that. Never in my life again, ever, but I don't hold any anger towards him. What is worse then being molested is nobody believing you or doing anything about it. I think I hold the resentment towards my mom because it was her brother and she is suppose to have protective instincts like a mother bear and not let anyone hurt her babies. After telling my parents as an adult exactly how I felt, my dad seemed remorseful and would have done things differently. My mom just didn't "get" it and I have the feeling that if she could have done it over, she would have done the same thing. Her excuse was that she was a young parent (she was 27 at the time) and wasn't sure how to handle it. To this day, she still keeps in contact with my uncle which boggles my mind. I try to have a relationship with her and most of the time we get along fine, but there is always this wall that is between us and I don't think I will ever put it down. I heard a quote on Oprah before that "forgiveness is not about letting the person back in your life. Forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could have been different." Letting go of the anger is a constant battle that I hope one day I will win.