Sandusky Needs to Stop Talking...or Not!

Everytime he opens his mouth, he is just sealing his fate. "I regret showering with those kids,"   "Sexually attracted, no. I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But, no, I'm not sexually attracted to young boys."  "I didn't go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I've helped." 
Are you freaking kidding me?  If it looks like a duck, talks like a duck, guess what?  It is a duck.  You might find some kids that will say, "Oh he didn't molest me" but a pedophile does not seek out every child they come into contact with.  They choose children they think they'll "get away" with it, someone they have built trust with.  He is disgusting and I don't know why he in out on an unsecured bond.  It is very disturbing that from past interviews he tells the reporter that now he wants to focus on his charity for helping kids.  He set up a charity just so he could have access to these kids.  I think this is on another level of pervertness.  Then this graduate assistant who saw Sandusky raping a boy in the showers and didn't do anything about it?  Yes, he told the athletic director, but he actually witnessed it in action and just went away?  If he was afraid somehow of how Sandusky would react, why not grab some other people to back you up and then go stop it?  So while he left that room, a poor little boy was being raped and you just look the other way?  It is one thing to be told that a child is being molested and then to actually see it happening.  I'm sure that boy could have used a hero that day.  Then the director didn't do anything and it goes on and on, this perv continues to assault who knows how many more children.  Sandusky made another comment that disturbs me,  he showered with and "horsed around" with boys.  Ok, "horsing around" does not mean it is ok to mount these kids like a horse. Why was he in the shower with these kids anyway?  Did anyone else not think it was inappropriate?  If I saw some adult male going in the showers with little kids, I would take a second glance.  These kids were not babies that needed help in the shower, they were perfectly capable of showering themselves.  I think we give people of authority too much slack when it comes to kids.  Some people are afraid to stand up to them, say something with fear of retaliation, not wanting to embarrass them, not wanting to believe what was going on, etc, but when it comes to kids, you can't be afraid.  It is their life and livelihood at stake.  Children are innocent and deserve to be protected, and it just breaks my heart to think about how those kids lives are changed forever because of this pervert.  Look at him for what he is, a monster.  If I see a child being hurt or hear about a child being molested, I will do everything I can to stop and report it and if someone ever hurts my kids, I don't care if it is the president of the United States, I will do everything in my power to protect my children, period.

HPV- I Have it, Do You?

I have always had normal pap smears, so being told that I have HPV after my last yearly visit really shocked me.  I have HPV, a sexually transmitted disease?  Am I going to get cervical cancer?  How did I get it?  My husband and I were virgins when we first started dating, and I know that I didn't cheat, so did he?  What is going to happen next?  Will I be able to have more kids?  What treatment will I have to endure?  All these questions popped in my head and I was scared.  It all started after I got a call from my doctor's nurse, she left a message and told me I needed to call back right away, it was about the results of my pap smear.  Immediate dread filled my mind, this couldn't be good news.  They never call if the results are normal, they just send you a little note in the mail if that is the case, not a phone call.  So I call and talk to the nurse.  She explains that the results showed I have HPV and that abnormal cells were found.  I needed to have them removed and tested to make sure it wasn't anything more serious, but according to the test, it showed  LSIL (Low grade squamous intraepithelial lesion). The nurse might has well been speaking french, cause I had no idea what the heck that meant.  I googled it and my fears subsided a little bit, it just meant there were mild changes in the cells, but I needed to to go back to the doctor to confirm this was the case, that it was LSIL.  I went back and had a colposcopy, which is where the doctor did a biopsy of the 3 lesions found on my cervix that had the abnormal cells and the reslts confirmed the LSIL.  Soon after, my doc decided to do a Cryosurgery which is freezing the cervix to destroy any other abnormal cells that might be present.  It wasn't too bad, just felt a little cramping during and afterwards.  I asked the doc a bunch of questions, that included how HPV was transmitted and he told me it isn't always passed through sex, you can be exposed to it by just having genital contact, not necessarily through intercourse.  Ok, well neither my husband or I need to discuss all the details of our sexual explorations before our relationship.  Technically neither one of us actually had sexual intercourse with another person, but that doesn't mean we didn't have close encounters.  End of that discussion!  Also, need to clear something else up, HPV is very common and most women have it, but that does not mean we are the ones passing it all over the place.  There is not a test for men, so there is no way to know who gave it to who, we are just the ones that find out about it usually through an abnormal test.  I have had to go back every 3 months to make sure test results show a normal pap smear, and I have gone back twice and so far, so good.  Just have to go back and keep getting tested, most of the time, the virus will clear up and nothing advances further.  So, if you find out you have HPV and/or have a abnormal pap smear:  1)Don't freak out like I did, 2)ask as many questions as possible so you don't freak out, 3)Don't jump to conclusions like your husband must of cheated on you, 4)realize it is very common and you could have gotten it from what's his name from high school who told you you were the most beautiful girl in class and got all naked with him, was about to play "hide the sausage" then realized his bedroom was dirty and then started to feel dirty, then booked it out of there, 5)get treated, 6)follow up with your doctor, 7) keep getting those darn uncomfortable pap smears, and 8) get the facts from a place like hpv.com.

I just wish that hpv vaccine was available when I was younger, my daughter will get it when she gets older and I am not afraid it will cause mental retardation like that uninformed and hears one thing and presents it as fact lady who is running for office, you know who. Those pap smears are so important and it drives me crazy when I hear from some women that they keep forgetting to go get their annual checkup.  Just do it, it could save your life!

My Son's "Private" Conversations

As a mom of a 3 year old son, there have been many squeamish moments of him playing with his "little" man.  I remember him as a baby using every opportunity to touch it, pull it, rub it against his diaper, EWW and it hasn't stopped since.  I know it is a boy thing and since I am his mom and not his dad, I have a tendency to just look the other way while my husband says, "that's my boy!"  As a baby and until recently, his sessions with his pee pee have mostly been nonverbal quick touches here and there.  Now he has decided to take his relationship to another level.....HE TALKS TO IT.  Now you might think this is normal and kind of funny, but where it gets weirder (is that a word?), HE TRIES TO GET ME TO TALK TO IT.  Ok, little boy, that is where I draw the line.  That is fine if you want to tell Mr. Pee Pee that the two of you are going to go pee pee and poopie in the toilet, but don't try to get mommy to tell Mr. Pee Pee that too, I won't, I can't, I shouldn't, I just want to book it out of that restroom as soon as possible!  I don't remember reading anything in toilet training books or blogs, etc about this situation.  "Dear Mommies and Daddies, while toilet training, your son will develop a verbal relationship with his peter, Don't be alarmed, this is completely normal."  Since the books, websites, and other people have not told me of this, Is it normal?  I don't know, or does my son have an imagination on another realm of boyhood?  He is 3 1/2 and is still fighting me with toilet training, so I still have to go in the bathroom with him, otherwise he will just pee his pants.  He wants me to stay in the room with him, read him a book, and sit there while he sings "Twinkle twinkle, little star"  ....too his... you guessed it, his pee pee.  Ok, I honestly do not know where he got that, I have never sang that song while he has gone to the bathroom although if you think about it, it is kind of clever (you know, twinkle twinkle, you could change it to tinkle tinkle little star).  So everyday, I have to anticipate what kind of songs my son might sing to his pee pee today.  Will it be, "Baa Baa Black Sheep?" - maybe not cause his baa baa black sheep doesn't have any wool, he was circumcised, so let's see.... what about, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle..."  Ok, dear LORD, I hope not since that seems like a hands on kind of song.  Now, I am rethinking the kinds of songs I sing to him, because now they have the potential of being on his playlist.  After explaining to him at bathtime last week to call his pee pee his "private," that this is his "private," mommy has a "private," daddy has a "private," his sister has a "private," last night while giving him a bath, I discovered his new song.  I know you are anxiously waiting for the song, what could it be?  Well, while I was drying him with a towel, he goes, "Mommy look at my pirate.... Argh matey, it is my pirate, Argh Argh Argh,”  then proceeds to sing that "Yo Ho Ho" song from Jake and the Neverland Pirates cartoon on Disney.  This little kid thought I told him it was a pirate!  I had to leave the room, or I was going to start busting out laughing and probably would not stop.  All these things were racing in my mind like, oh my gosh, my son is going to have a pirate fetish when he grows up.  He will have his girlfriends dress up like wenches and him a pirate while he looks for the "booty" and the "treasure" so to speak.  What have I done to  my son!?!?  I know I was just being dramatic, so I returned to the room and explained that it is a "Pri-vate not Pir-ate," then he says in a giggle, "Oh....it is a private? Not a pirate?  Oh so silly mommy."  Well that resolved that.  (whew...., big relief)  Now I need to do everything in my powers to make sure he does not see any military shows....Lord how exhausting!

My Girl Doesn't Like Bows

If you were 1 1/2, would you like to wear something poky or hair pulling on your head?  So why do people insist that my daughter must wear a bow or hair clip at all times?  She is still a girl even if she doesn't wear a stupid bow.  When I do try to put a bow in her hair, it lasts maybe a minute and that is pushing it.  It is like an automatic response, place hair thingy majigy on head, girl takes off.  It goes hand in hand.  One time a family member came over and I did not have a (I know you will gasp) bow in her hair and she said to my girl, not to me, but to my little girl," Oh poor girl, you look just like your brother without a hair bow.  Mommy needs to fix that, otherwise how can people tell you"re a girl?"  Ok, poor girl?  Really?  If she really suffering because she doesn't have a pink polka dot headband with a 2 foot tall flower attached to it on top of her 1/2 inch of hair?  First of all, we were at home and the family member stopped by for a few hours so I don't know who these people are she is referring to because if we don't know she is a girl, there is a major problem.  Second, she was wearing a purple shirt with a white and purple skirt, I don't know who dresses their boy like that unless they are raising him in a "gender boundary-less" environment.  Third, she does not look like her brother without a bow, she is 1 1/2, he is 3 1/2; she has dark brown eyes, he has light brown eyes; she hardly has any hair, he has tons of it, so this person obviously isn't very observant and was just making a "poke" with her statement. 
There is another person in the family that insists on hunting down a hair clip of some kind if I can't seem to find one to put on her.  OH MY GOSH, the world is ending, my precious little girl is going to poof into a boy if we do not find a giant bow to stick in her hair!  It is too late for her, so save yourselves! 
Then there is the dreaded, I must not have enough hats for her to wear, so here is another one that you have to put on her this very moment so I believe you really like it situation.  Ok lady, it is 100 degrees out here, I am not going to put on a stupid woolly head piece on my little girl who already sweats more then her Dad and I combined.  She is one sweaty little girl.  It can be 50 degrees outside and she will still perspire.  I know that it is fun to dress girls up, I know because I have one, but she does not have to wear girl things every single day to show the world she has XX chromosomes.  A girl is a girl without the pink frilly tops, without the purple tutu skirts, and without the freaking overboard uncomfortable headbands/clips/hats.  What is next?  I swear, those same people better not buy her a stupid t shirt when she gets older like that JcPenny shirt that read "I'm too pretty to do homework, I'll have my brother do it."  It was something like that.  I think I'll just lose it!

Childbirth-Risking Your Life

That is the wake up call that I received when I heard a friend of a friend died during childbirth. This can still happen?  I mean with all the medical advances, more atuned doctors and nurses, ultrasounds, checking and double checking, etc... how can this still occur?  Granted, we do live in a country where having a baby is not as much as a risk compared to other countries, but it is still scary to think that it still happens.  I did not know this person, but I have a friend who grew up with her, and that is still a little too close to home for me.  The woman who died had a c-section and bled to death due to placenta accreta.  Placenta accreta is when the placenta attaches itself deep into the uterine wall and sometimes other organs.  I'm not sure exactly how deep it attached itself, but it was enough to cause hemorrhaging and thus her death.  At first I thought, did they not do an ultrasound and discover this ahead of time?  I mean, I had 5 or 6 ultrasounds during my pregnancies because I was at high risk(high blood pressure) , but I know someone who isn't high risk still has a couple ultrasounds.  Were they not prepared for this ahead of time?  It is just heartbreaking to think that this poor mother died on the operating table and possibly before even holding her baby.  Then I started reading more about the condition and even if they discover this condition, most of the time there is nothing they can do to treat it.  All they can do is monitor the situation, prepare for a c-section, perform a hysterectomy if necessary, and hope the mother doesn't start to hemorrhage.  In this case, they weren't so lucky.  I know as a mother we would put our own life at risk to save our children, but it is a huge lightblub flashing moment  that we already have put our life at risk just giving birth to them.  My husband and I have been contemplating on whether or not to have a 3rd child.  During my own pregnancies, we worried about me bleeding too much because my platelets were always low.  So, I couldn't even have an epidural with the worry I might bleed too much.  Then later I found out this was the lady's 3rd child.  I don't know if someone out there in the universe is trying to tell me something, but it makes me feel like 2 children is good enough for me and 3 is not meant to be.  It might seem ridiculous to not have a 3rd child because of what happened to this mother who I didn't even know personally, but it is just weird how my husband and I sat down and were seriously (not just lightly touching the subject) asking ourselves if we should have one more and said we would sleep on it.  Then the next day, we found all this out.  A message or coincidence?  I guess we'll have to do more soul searching. 
Now, I would like to take a moment and say "Thank you to all the Moms for putting your lives at risk by having a child.  Having a baby is truly a miracle that we take for granted.  WE ARE ALL HEROES!"

So what are your worries on childbrith?  I would like to hear from you!  Follow me on twitter @mysanityblog, become a member of my blog, and spread the love to your followers, family, friends,and enemies! (I don't discriminate)  :-)

Mommy High/Lows of the Week

Lows:

1.  Little man ran into the couch and cut bottom and top gums.  He ripped the skin that attaches the top gum to the upper lip.  Talk about major ouch! After a few minutes of crying, son was fine, but Mommy needed to lay down for just a sec...

2.  Little man tripped and fell on top of sister's head as she was laying on the floor.  Major tears for all three of us! She was fine, but again, Mommy needed to lay down for just a sec...

3.  Forgot to drain and remove the kiddie pool off the grass after a week.  Can you say, rotting grass? Mommy tried to hide the big circle of yellow, fly hoovering grass from Daddy, but the stench gave it away.  "No, honey, you don't really want to go in the backyard do you? I heard a rattle snake earlier. No, wait.... huh?  What smell? I don't smell anything." 

4.  Little girl slapped mommy hard across the face.  Put her in 1st time out, but this was kind of a "high" too because she looked so darn cute standing in the corner for like 5 seconds.  Also, her "mean" face at mommy as she looked back at me from the corner was priceless.

5.  Still in a power struggle with son regarding toilet training.  Decided to do the bare butt thing and gave son a towel to use to sit on when he is on the floor, chair, etc.  Husband came home and used said towel to dry face after he washed it in the sink.  After telling husband what he just did, husband now worries he'll get pink eye.

Highs:

1.  Took son to the dentist to check teeth after "low" incident #1 and he was wonderful.  No fuss, no running for the hills, and no bribery needed! 

2.  Went to get son a haircut before it turns into a full mullet and again, the "perfect" child.  No fuss, no running for the hills, and no bribery needed!  (I'm sure this won't last)

3.  Little lady added a few more words to her vocabulary.  "Otro" which means "other" in English, "this" and "este" which is Spanish for this, "autobus" which is "bus" in English, and "nose."  It is amazing how much little kids pick up.  One week she is only saying 2 words and then BAM, 5 more words in a week! Let's see if she picks up the words "f*ck" and "sh*t in next week's vocabulary.  Those have been popular words this week especially during the husband part of low # 5. 

4.  Doing my domestic wife and mommy duties, made dinner every single day this week (well there is still today's dinner challenge, so we will see, ok and the weekend left, so almost a work week!)

5.  Tried a new flavor of coffee by Don Francisco, Cinnamon Hazelnut.  It was a piece of heaven I enjoyed early in the morning before the kids woke up and created "lows" #1, 2, & 4.

So what are your high/lows of the week?  I would like to hear from you!  Follow me on twitter @mysanityblog, become a member of my blog, and spread the love to your followers, family, friends,and enemies! (I don't discriminate)  :-)

After the Nursing Stops-the Truth Comes Out!

I am not breastfeeding anymore, my daughter is now 1 1/2 years old and since she can ask for milk now, she must be too old to nurse.  Right?  That is the most ridiculous comment that I have ever heard about breastfeeding.  I chose to stop breastfeeding her at 6 months, not because I thought she was too old, but because I felt it was in her best interest.  My goal was 1 year, but like most things, you have to adjust when things don't happen the way you intended.  She became fussy most of the time like she wasn't getting enough milk from me.  I tried drinking more water, drinking a oatmeal/milk concoction, asking other moms what to do, but nothing seemed to work.  The last straw was when we were on vacation and after I nursed her, she was screaming for more, but I didn't have anything to give her.  It was so heartbreaking for me to what I felt like was "giving up," but after my husband assured me I was not a failure of a mom, I gave in and gave her formula.  After that, I felt a big relief because she finally seemed satisfied.  Then after I took her to the Dr for her 6 month appointment, the doctor told me she should weigh more and after I told him about the nursing situation, he said "Well you should have put her on solids at 4 months and supplemented her with formula."  Ok, that made me feel even worse then I already did.  This was also the same Dr that told me that he didn't believe in pacifiers.  This prompted me to find another Dr, one that is more supportive of nursing moms and yes, life saving pacifiers!  Not a Dr that likes to put a guilt trip on moms already doing the best they can!  After I told family that I stopped nursing, then the truth came out with stupid and I'm sure unintended hurtful comments like :

"Oh good, 6 months is long enough anyway, when you told me you wanted to feed for 1 year, I thought that was overboard."
"I'm glad you aren't one of those moms who breastfeed forever.  When they can ask for food, it is time to quit"
"I think moms who feed past a year are doing it for their own pleasure" 
"It was about time, your body just wasn't equipped to making enough milk for her"  Ok, this is hurtful because it makes you feel like something is wrong with you.  You aren't able to produce enough food, so a comment like this is a stab to the heart.
"I think you were eating too much spicy food, that is horrible for the baby"
"Formula is much better today then ever before, breastfeeding isn't as necessary anymore."
"Now I am happy I get to bottle feed her now cause you were always feeding her."

I know some of the comments weren't meant to be hurtful, but I don't think the person put much thought into what they said before they said it.  You are already sensitive to if you are caring for your baby the right way, so supportive comments of what the mother decides to do, is always the way to go.  Critzing, being unsupportive, or being snippy is not helpful and only makes you not go to that person when you have questions or need advice.  Just because someone is old does not always mean they are wiser, because someone has 4 kids does not make them a expert in parenting, and a Dr does not mean they have common sense or always know what is best for you and your baby.  That little voice that is inside all of us, yes the one that we try to ignore at times because everyone around us tells us otherwise, well that is the voice we need to listen to most. 

Give Up Your Child, Don't Kill Them

On the news this morning is the story of a woman in La Habra, CA who is charged with attempted murder of her 7 mo old.  Yesterday night, she dropped her baby from a parking structure and the baby hit the pavement and is now in critical condition.  My first thought was, what is wrong with people?  That is a question that is not easily answered.  We assume that she must have been overwhelmed, frustrated, or stressed out to contemplate on how anyone could ever do this to their child.  Maybe she was just crazy and needed help.  Now it is too late for her to get help, at least the kind of help she should have received to prevent such a tragedy.  It is not enough of an excuse to be overwhelmed, stressed out, etc to ever harm a child, period.  When it comes to your child or you see someone in your life that has children, you cannot take any chances.  Get help, get someone you love that has children help, don't put that child's life at risk.  You don't want to intervene?  You don't want to hurt your sister, sister in law, friend's feelings?  It doesn't matter, that child doesn't have a voice, you do.  If you are a mother who is feeling overwhelmed, can't take it anymore, feels like screaming, wants to pull your hair out, the baby is driving you crazy, GIVE THE CHILD TO SOMEONE while you get it together.  Give the baby to your husband, mother, friend, someone you trust, so you can rest, relax, "get away" if you need to.  Believe me, we have all been there.  We have all felt like screaming and running away and the feeling like you can't take it anymore.  The difference is that we recognize that this will all pass, but in the mean time, we ask for help.  We all need help and there is nothing wrong with admitting it.  What is wrong is hurting your child because you can't ask for help.  That child needs you, relies on you, looks up to you, trusts you, has his/her life and well being in your hands.  This is the most precious life you will ever have in your possession.  If you feel like you are literally going "crazy" or have inappropriate thoughts, seek medical help immediately.  There is help out there if you just allow yourself to get better.  It may be embarrassing to admit you need help, but that is better then have something happen to your child and then you go to jail.  That is embarrassing.  You can't come back from death, that is final.  If your child survives, it will have life long consequences for you and your child.  We need to give mothers the support we need in order to be the mother our child deserves. 
I make this pledge to my children and I hope others will follow:  "I love you so much that I will do anything to protect you, even if it is from myself."

Nothing Cute About Little Girl Lingerie

Are you kidding me? I guess if you call it Lougerie, it makes it ok right?  I say NO!  Creating a line of sexy wear for girls as young as 4 years old is not cute or fine, it is disgusting and exploitation for little girls.  Now you have given child molesters some photographs to beat off on.  I am not trying to be gross, but that is the disgust I feel.  I don't want to see a little girl in a lingerie outfit that I might wear during a romantic rendezvous with my husband.  My daughter is 1 1/2 and I would be pissed if someone bought her a red teddy, and I'm not talking about the stuffed animal.  I would tell that person that they should check themselves into a mental institution.  What is next, padded bras and pasties and underwear with peekaboo cutouts?  Oh wait, they already have padded bras for 8 year olds. Come on USA you need to beat France and make some pasties for little girls to go along with the stripper pole classes that are now available for kids.  What is wrong with people?  The sexualzationof women is getting younger and younger.  What is sad is that there are parents allowing their children to be photographed in these sickening poses and "loungerie."  Their girls should be photographed doing what little girls should be doing, playing house, cleaning up their play kitchen, oh and taking care of their breastfeeding doll.  (being stereotypical) No really, what is wrong with showing girls  having fun in the dirt, doing a puzzle, and playing doctor?  I don't see any of those images making it in Vogue magazine.  What they are doing is creating a generation of girls that will grow up placing value on how sexy and cute they should be instead of placing value on how intelligent they can be.  Instead of asking what college they will go to one day, they will be more worried about what outfit to wear or their dress size.  As a mother, I will teach my girl that being sexy means being smart and knowing how to think for herself.  There is nothing wrong with dressing cute, but age appropriate.  I will teach my son that girls should be valued for their biggest asset, their brain, and not their boobs, to be loved for who they are as a person not as object to be had, and to be interested in their position on world views, and not their favorite sex position.  I think it all starts at home.  What do you think?  Is this a "soft" version of child porn?  Or do you think it is ok as long as it doesn't go any further?

My Mom's "Boring" Trip to Europe

"It was ok, I wouldn't go again, just glad I can say I at least went before I died."  That is what my mom told me after her trip to England and France.  It just erks me, I mean really erks me that she can say something like that.  I have never been, but I know for sure that when I go, I am going to have one hell of a time.  When she first told me her and my stepdad were going, my first reaction to myself was that it was going to be a waste of a trip, and I was right.  It all comes down to their personalities.  Just getting them to try new foods, cultures, new activities is like pulling teeth, so I have stopped trying.  Whenever they come to visit me from out of state, we just go to the same o same o Applebees or Chilis and the craziest we get is ordering the shrimp.  OH my gosh, I love seafood, but I don't think you can claim you love seafood if you only like shrimp.  It is like saying you love French food because you love french toast.  Whenever I cook for them, I have to make sure I don't put anything "green" in the food because my stepdad doesn't like green things and make sure it isn't too spicy, or has alot of vegetables, or any weird sauce, or .. or.. has any flavor whatsoever.  It is so frustrating because I love food and love to try new things.  I like to take them to new places and one of my reasons for going somewhere new is because of the food.  The last time they visited, we went to a place that was known for their Italian Beef sandwiches with mozzarella cheese and sweet peppers and some special sauce they put on it.  We all ordered it, but my mom said without the sauce or peppers and my stepdad said he just wanted it with the beef, nothing else.  So, when we were done eating, he said "I don't see what the big deal is, it is just some beef."  Well of course it isn't a big deal when you just order it as PLAIN AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY FREAKING ORDER IT!    Ok, so back to the boring ol' Europe trip they took....
They saw some museums, and oh what is that thing again, oh yeah, The Eiffel Tower.  (Just a bigger version of the one in Vegas, right?)  According to my mom, the burgers aren't as good as at home, the pizza is "ok" and you know the people aren't the same.  Ok, maybe because you are in freakin' England and France, you aren't suppose to eat stupid burgers and pizza.  Geez lady!  Of course the people aren't the same, they are not Americans and have a different culture, try to embrace it for the love of GOD!  You don't go all the way to Europe to eat greasy hamburgers and pizza, ok?  They probably expected the French to speak English too.  My mom said, "It was hard to understand them, most of their English wasn't very good."  I told her, "Well you are in France, at least they were trying, did you try to speak French?"  I got that awkward silence, so I guess that was a no.    So please do me a favor mom and stepdad, next time you decide to take a trip, well really anywhere, just give me the money and I'll enjoy the trip for you!  I will learn some new things from the culture, try to speak a little of the language, and I will eat like the locals.  Otherwise, what is the point?Anyways...  it just pisses me off that they had this opportunity to go the Europe and all they brought back was a T-shirt that read " I Went to Europe, Big Whoopie Poopie Deal."  Ok, they really didn't bring back a shirt, but I should have that made for them.That reminds me, they didn't bring me back anything from their trip, really?  Europe and nada?  Maybe I'll save that for another post...

Running On Empty

On Today Moms, they conducted a study among moms (I wasn't a part of it) that showed some insight on just how moms feel about motherhood.  Some of the "secrets" that moms revealed were that
"I cry myself to sleep sometimes because I am overwhelmed and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it.” and some prefer sleep over sex.  There were many more, some I could relate to and others I was like, "really?"  For instance, moms confessed to regular medicating their kids so they could get some peace and quiet in the home.  Trying not to judge, because I have thought about how nice it would be to give them a dose of something so they could just knock the f out, but this just seems wrong.  Anywho, not judging...  :-)  Oh, judging was another thing that moms confessed to doing, like if you see an overweight child, many moms judge to themselves that how can that kid's mom allow the child to get like that.  I'll admit, I do judge sometimes (like I just did about the medication), but most of the time before I judge, I think about my own situation and try to put myself in the other mom's shoes.  When I do that, I don't judge, I empathize.  We need more support and empathy for us moms.  It is hard enough as it is to be a mom and then we have to worry about other moms judging us when everyone else in our lives already do that?  I can relate to many of the confessions moms made in the study, like the crying cause of being overwhelmed thing.  I get stressed out some days and feel like I do not have anyone to talk to.  My hubby is already stressed out because of work, my other mom friends have their own worries so why put that on them, and I don't want to worry my parents.  So, it is easy to feel alone.  It is hard to reach out when you have a worry you might be judged if you put it out there.  The "prefer sleep to sex" confession is one of mine as well.  You are just so freaking tired, taking care of the kids, fixing breakfast/lunch/dinner, doing chores, cleaning up the kid's mess, picking up toys for the umpteenth time, running errands, etc etc etc oh yeah now it is 10 o'clock and I need to take another shower to "freshen up" and slip into something sexy to go at it and exhaust myself for another 20 minutes.  I feel sorry for my hubby because most nights I just want to freaking sleep!  I don't feel sexy, I don't have any energy left, I could just lay there and sleep for a week. 

Some other confessions that I have are:
1.  There are times I just want to be left alone and don't want to deal with the kids at all
2.  After my son not listening to me for the whole day, I let some things slip when I shouldn't cause I just don't have the energy to correct him or put him in time out.  At that moment, I just don't care!
3.  If I get invited to do something and I don't feel like going, I'll use my kids as an excuse to get out of it.  "Oh, so and so isn't feeling well, "Little one has a doctor appointment," or "She's just really clingy right now, it will be a headache."
4.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom.  Of course I love my kids and love being a mom, but there are those times I fantasize on my pre-baby days.  You can go to the movies when you want, sleep in till noon, you can just get up and go and not have to pack for an army, you can sit down an enjoy an entire meal in peace, and you can go to the bathroom without worrying the house will burn down. 
5.  I get annoyed and frustrated if my kids don't take their naps.  I know they are little and don't do it on purpose, but there are days when I really need them to take a nap or I'm going to lose it.  So the days I have the least amount of patience, they seem to not go down for sleepytime.  Like that book reads, "Baby, Go the F the Sleep!"  (that book is genius by the way)

When all is said and done, all my 18 mo old has to do is give me one of her big goofy smiles or my 3 yr old will ask me "Mommy, you need a hug?" to snap me back to my sane, more patient self. 
It is important that we get the support, help, alone time, and rest we need.  By giving us these things, it allows us to be better moms and not flip out.  We are like rubber bands, we can only be stretched so much before we break. 

Baby #3, Worth the Craziness?

When we began our family making adventures, my hubby and I discussed having 4 kids.  I wanted maybe 2 or 3 kids, my hubby wanted 4, so we compromised and decided on 4.  :-)  Ok, he convinced me that 2 was not enough (boring), 3 would be uneven (think about amusement parks, how sad one will not have a partner), so 4 is perfect!  I got different takes on it from those in the family.  My mom said I was crazy to want 4, my aunt had 4 and she said it was one too many (I wonder which "one" she was referring to), and my MIL had 4 and she told me it was easy as pie. (ok not that, but she said I could handle it) Oh and another family member told me that it wouldn't be that bad because the older kids could help with the smaller ones, so I guess that means I could enlist a future 4 and 6 year old to take care of a baby and 2 year old while mommy took a nap, ran some errands, had a drink, this could be great!  Then pregnancy #1 came along and right away I thought, yeah, I don't know if I can do this again and it was only the 1st trimester!  Everything hurt, my back, my female parts, my boobs, my head.  This kid was already causing trouble.  The good thing though was it made my blood pressure low which is unusual for me because I have high blood pressure and have been on meds since I was 17.  I always get the same reaction, "You are so young to have HBP," "You aren't overweight,"  "Do you eat alot of salt?"  Nope, just thank my Daddy's messed up genes for that one, thanks Dad!  Anyways, my 1st pregnancy wasn't really that bad until my last month.  My BP starting getting too high and at my last appointment, it skyrocketed and the doc said I had to be induced the next am.  "But I still have too much to do," I cried, and he said "Not anymore you don't."  So the next morning, I was induced and had my son 6 hours later, no epidural (platelets too low) and only one freaking dose of Demerol.  I was in alot of pain the whole time and wanted to stab the nurse who wouldn't give me anymore medicine.  (ok, I know it was for my own good, but still!) I had the normal baby blues, but over all, my son was a pretty good baby.  We were sleepless for the first few weeks, but after that it was manageable.  A few years later, we decided to have another baby. Pregnancy was about the same.  I mean I loved being pregnant, but then I didn't.  I loved the fact I helped create a life and it was inside me, kicking and moving all around was so amazing and beautiful.  I just didn't like all the aches and getting that "look" from the nurse like she knew I just ate that entire chocolate cake with the cream cheese frosting.  The 2nd pregnancy was about the same as the 1st, except I was a little more tired and achy.  Plus, it was harder since I now had a toddler to take care of at the same time.  My blood pressure was low most of the time, except again towards the last month.  I was able to carry this baby about a week longer than the 1st before the doc said, "This kid needs to be born."  At least this time I was prepared ahead of time and kind of expected this.  Went to the hospital the next morning already 4 cm dilated, was given Pitocin, and had my girl 1.5 hours later.  No time for pain meds this time, thanks Nurse Meany!  "No honey, you are dilating too fast, no time for anything."  I guess they think if they say "honey" or "sweety" it sounds less mean, well it sounds more mean!  To top it off, the nurses told me to keep my legs closed and try to wait for the doctor before I started to push. Ummm ok, but tell that to the baby who is pushing on my booty hole and trying to selfishly be born! The doc comes in the room and I have never spread my legs so fast, record time I'm sure, and BAM, 2 pushes and I have never felt so much relief in my life.  I tell myself, I am closing up my baby making facility for good.  This little girl was not the angel she is now.  I did not sleep for the first 3 months and felt like I was going to go crazy.  She had alot of gas, got her days/nights mixed, and was very sensitive.  My mom could only stay for about a week (she lives out of state), my hubby had to go back to work after another week, and my MIL could only stay a week.  So, I at least got 3 weeks of help before I was on my own.  Everyone tried to take care of her so I could get some rest, but she only wanted me.  It was different from my son, he would go with just about anyone with a warm body.  Then after everyone left, I couldn't always "sleep" when she would finally "sleep" because I had a toddler to take care of.  So there were those many nights I would lay her down and go to the bathroom and do that screaming where nothing came out thing and do punches and kicks in the air, cry like a baby on the bathroom floor, just so I wouldn't go A wall and burn the house down.  Eventually, she got better and now to look at her, she is such an angel and a wonderful affectionate little girl.  So now we are at the dilemma if we should have another one.  I have this feeling like my family is not complete, but then I think that I cannot handle another 3 months like that.  Since I don't know how the next baby will be, I am hesitant to have another one.  So, I sit here and ponder if having a 3rd child is worth the risk of my mental health.  I know it will only be temporary, but in that moment you really feel helpless and like it is never going to end.  This time I need to put myself first and realize that just because others think I can handle more kids, I know myself better and having only two kids is not boring at all.  My family is complete and just fine as can be.  Hopefully, I won't be saying "Oopsie" in the future and if I do, I'll make sure I'll enlist some of those people who said "If you need any help..."  Damn right I do!

The Anniversary "Scam"

So my mom, stepdad, and brother come to visit from out of state during my anniversary. 
Mistake # 1- do not agree to family visiting during the time you intend to celebrate your anniversary, in this case our 5 years.
Before my mom scheduled her flight, she did ask if it was OK because as she put it "we can watch the kids so you guys can go out and celebrate."  So I figured, oh this will be nice, my mom will come visit and my hubby and I will get to go out for a romantic dinner and movie and maybe a stroll on the beach.  Or we could go to Six Flags since it has been years since we have been.  I love, I mean LOVE Six Flags, except the Goliath ride.  I swear the last time I rode that one it was my last.  I think there is something wrong when you get indigestion while you are waiting in line from the anxiety and your heart feels like it is out of your chest, all this and you aren't even on the ride yet!  Anywho, they come to town and we have a lovely time for a few days.  A day before our anniversary, my mom states again how I must be looking forward to going out for my anniversary, no kids, be able to "reconnect" with my hubby.  She was looking forward to spending time with the kids while we were out and about.  My better half takes the day off  so he has the whole day to spend with me.  We make plans to take my parents and brother to the beach so we can play and make sand castles with the kids, then come home, get ready, go out to dinner, then watch a movie.  That morning I offer to make some waffles and eggs while they insist, "oh no we'll just eat cereal so you don't have to spend all that time making something, or we could go to IHOP?"  (ok, I know my waffles are delicious- so WTF?) While they eat their soggy raisin bran cereal, I hear comments like "You know we already went to the beach about a month ago, so we don't have to go unless you want to, "...  " Is it going to be cold, cause it needs to be really hot outside if we go to the beach,"...   "Is it going to be crowded, you know I hate crowds,"... and " I'll have to use your washer cause you know we'll get sandy and dirty and."... Blah, Blah Blah!
Mistake #2 -don't make plans to try to please other people, cause no matter how much you try, some people are unpleasable.
Trying to keep my cool and not blurting out "Why didn't you say this while we were discussing it when you got here?  Why wait till THE MORNING OF to bitch about it?", I calmy suggest that we can just go to the park, then come home and play in the back, play ping pong, etc..  All of this they seemed to prefer, so great, I get to save some gas, everyone wins I guess.  Then my mother looks at me with a worry in her eye and says "Oh, your brother will be disappointed though, he was looking forward to going to the beach, so maybe you can take him with you to the movies."  I think I just stared at her with a duh look not knowing what to say while she continued, "He can see a different movie or sit away from you guys."  I thought, ok my brother would probably want to get away from these crazies and he won't want to see Crazy Stupid Love (which was great by the way), so I told her that after my hubby and I go to dinner that we'll come back and pick up my brother for the movies.  Then she looks at my stepdad and then looks at me and says, "Oh, umm, yea, your stepdad wants to take you guys out for your anniversary, but maybe we can do lunch instead. Then if you guys could pick us up something from McDonald's for dinner before you leave to go out to a restaurant, oh and don't forget about the kids, they'll need to eat too."  Ok, what I should have said to that was "Ok, cool, we'll do that.  Let's go out to lunch and then we'll pick you guys up a Big Mac and some happy meals for the kids cause you are right, they do need to eat!"  Instead, 
Mistake #3- do not agree to go out to dinner with your parents for your "anniversary" even if it means they are paying for it because your mom gives you a guilt trip. Even though this whole go out to dinner/movie while we watch the kids was all Her idea.
Fast forward to dinner time, we go to order and my hubby wants to order the calamari, which my moms likes by the way, and my stepdad makes an ewwy face like we were ordering some fried dog.   My considerate husband says, "oh don't worry I'll pay for it, we can just put that on my bill."  My stepdad being the generous person he is makes sure he tells the waiter that he is picking up the tab for the whole bill, except put the calamari on my husband's bill.  This is after a lady gave me a $10 off coupon outside the restaurant that she wasn't going to use after all and it was going to expire the next day.  I then gave the $10 coupon to my stepdad since he was picking up the tab for our "anniversary" dinner.  I guess my stepdad thought the calamari was a $100 or something, cause when the bill came he asked how much the calamari was and I stated, "$10.95," in which he in turn said, "Oh, well I'll give this back to you guys," handing me the $10 off coupon.  My mom says "You are giving them the coupon?  Wow, that is nice of you!"  Ok, trying not to bust out laughing for a reason they would NOT find funny, I just look at my husband and we give each other a "oh my God" look, I calmly sit there waiting, hoping there will not be any traffic so we can quickly drop them off while my hubby, brother, and I go to the movies for our "anniversary." 
What I have learned from this ridiculous experience is that next year if they want to come out for our anniversary, I will kindly say, "Sorry we are going out of town," even if we really are just sitting at home eating waffles reminiscing about last year's anniversary.  WHAT A SCAM!

We Can't Do It All

That is what we are told as Moms, that we need to take a time out for ourselves, try to lower our expectations on what a "clean" house is, don't do everything in one day, ask for help if we need it, etc etc etc..  Maybe for some moms out there, all these things are possible, but for some of us, we have people in our lives that just don't get it and make it a little more difficult for us.  There are days that I have so much to do that I feel so overwhelmed that I don't do anything.  Instead of breaking things down, I see the whole picture and tell myself that I will never get all these things done and just kind of stress out.  I think it is since I am a work at home mom (I love that title, better then sahm), there are these expectations that since I am at home, I have so much time that there is no reason not to get everything done.  (hahaha)  Excuse me, but cooking, cleaning, running errands, paying bills, getting and putting up groceries, doing laundry, folding and putting up clothes, and others things that come up each day, is a job, I just don't get paid for it.  All of these things are suppose to get done while taking care of two kids, one in which clings on to me for dear life from the moment she is awake.  (separation anxiety, teething, who knows)  So trying to get all these things done while taking care of 2 kids and keeping them entertained at the same time, is not always easy.  If you have kids you cannot expect your house to be clutter free or have a house that is spotless.  Even if you can afford a cleaner, most of us feel guilty that we have to get a cleaner because we should be able to do it all.  I hate the fact that when we have company, I hear my husband tell people "Oh sorry about the mess..."  We have 2 kids, of course there are going to be toys everywhere!  What do you expect, the little miss and mister to only pull out one toy at a time and then go, "Oh my, I want to play with that one, let me put this one back now..." hahahaha, yeah right!  This is what happens:  Before company comes over Mommy puts toys up in a basket, Mommy turns her back for a couple minutes and cleans up something else, Mommy comes back and lovely children have dumped all the toys back on the floor because they had this deviant plan all along.  So Mommy goes "F*ck it", and goes into the bathroom for her "time out."  I also get things like this from my sympathetic husband, "My mom had 4 kids, if she could do it, so can you and you only have 2 kids."  I ONLY have 2 kids?   "I had the kids all day, I don't see what the big deal is."  Ok, having the kids all day while you sit on the couch and watch TV is NOT THE SAME THING THAT I DO!  Ok, I feel a little better.
Unlike popular belief, we do not sit at home all day and watch Dr. Phil while eating bon bons.  Do they even still make bon bons? I don't even remember the last time I actually sat on the couch and watched an entire program by myself without worrying or doing something for the kids.  It also doesn't help that when my mom comes to visit, she says things like this in front of my husband, "Well I worked and still had time to clean my house" or "Oh my gosh, you cleaned."  I have had plenty of issues with my MIL, but one thing that I can say is that she at least stands up for me when it comes to the house and taking care of the kids.  She always is understandable and puts her son in his place, and she is the one that had the 4 kids and little me only has the 2! My mom should be the one on my side, not making a case for my "better" half.  I know I am not the only one in this position, because I hear from other moms I know that they are in similar situations.  Their husbands, including mine, think that since we are being supported, they don't need to lift a finger and if they do we should be rubbing their feet and praising them for their "extra" effort of taking out the trash, changing a pee diaper(not even a poopy one), or "babysitting" the kids for us.  WHAT?  Since when is is called "babysitting" when it is your own kids?  ARGH! 
So what I have realized while writing this is maybe these are also my own expectations since I put up with it.  Instead of complaining about it and trying to do the impossible, I should just say "Screw this sh*t" and when things get overwhelming, sit on the couch, watch a pre-recorded episode of Cheaters (ok I really don't watch that) while eating fattening ice cream, put the kids in the other room(safely of course) and have them watch Yo Gabba Gabba.  I know you are gasping either because of the forbidden putting your kids in front of the TV (they will be scarred for life) or you are gasping because of Yo Gabba Gabba.  Is it just me or are those characters a little "off?"  Oh well, my son loves them and it is educational.  Anywho, at least I got this off my chest and my husband can live another day!

My son saying the "N" word

Ok, my son is not really using that "n" word, at least not intentionally.  There is a dog in my husband's family that is named "Negra."  My hubbie is Hispanic and his entire family is mostly Spanish speaking.  The dog is black and "negra" in Spanish means black.  I don't know if anyone names their pet whitey, or blacky, or yellowy, etc. but it just doesn't sound right especially when my 3 year old calls its name.  You can imagine a sweet little boy chasing a little doggie going "Come here, Negra!  Negra, Negra, Negra!"  It doesn't sound like it is suppose to.  Every time we are outside or at an event where they take the dog, I cringe when he calls that dog's name.  I am just waiting for an outsider to give me a dirty look or  come up to me and slap me in the face for allowing my son to use that kind of word.  So far, no one has done either but I don't really look around to see if anyone is giving me that "look."  Since we live in an area that is mostly Hispanic, that might be the reason we don't get the dirty looks because someone  might hear my little boy and at first think as Dave Chappelle puts it "oh my God, that is racist," but then look at him chasing a black dog and then think, "Oh, he is saying Negra which is black, whew!"  I am not Hispanic and did not grow up with hearing dogs being called blacky or "Negra" so I just can't fathom calling a pet those names since it doesn't sound right.  What happened to the cute names like Spot or Fluffy?  Those don't sound questionable do they?  I'm sure even those names could be turned around and offend someone out there too.  Maybe someone who has a skin condition might not  like Spot or Fluffy might offend a person going bald, but c'mon, "Negra," that sounds like the stomach turning "N" word when you hear it from a preschooler.  This reminds me of the time I was in kindergarten.  School was over for the day and I started running and skipping down the big hill that is outside the elementary school.  My dad was at the bottom of the hill waiting for me with a big grin on his face as he was looking at his precious little girl happily singing a song that I had heard so many times before.  It goes a little something like this.... "Went to the river and I couldn't get across, jumped on a N***er cuz I thought it was a hoss,"  I'm sure there were other disgusting words to that song that I can't seem to remember because from that day, I think my Dad removed them from my brain.  My dad's big grin turned into an expression of "Oh my God, what the hell are you singing and why are you singing it in front of all these other parents who are going to look at me and beat me down?"  My dad looked at me with sweat pouring down his face and asked "Where did you hear that song!!?" and I replied "Papa."  That is what I called my grandpa(my mom's dad, but I'm sure my dad's dad was equally racist-just didn't sing songs to me) My dad says "Well I'm going to have a talk with Papa, you are to never sing that song again."  Then I'm sure he explained to me why.  My Dad always taught me to treat everyone the same and to never think that I was better then anyone because I was white.  There were other lessons too about race and other things, but my point is I was not raised to think or say these types of things.  So now as an adult, hearing my son shout out a derogatory word like that immediately sends shivers down my spine.  Plus, what doesn't help is when he says the dog's name, there are other people around that laugh and think it is funny.  Ok, so I know it isn't just me and I am not being sensitive about it, he really does make the word sound not the way it was intended.  I mean, for pete's sake (never thought I would use that phrase in my life), can't they just call the dog, "Doggie?"  That is what you call the dog anyway, "Here doggie doggie." 

Releasing the Anger

OK, so my anger towards my parents, especially my mom comes and goes.  I have so much resentment towards her because of my child molestation. 
I don't remember when the molestation started, but I know when it stopped, I was six.  I remember because the principal pulled me from class and my cousin was in his office.  My cousin, really the hero for it stopping, told the principal that he was being molested by our uncle.  Uncle "Perv" is what I now call him.  In that confession, my cousin also told the principal that I was also being molested.  I denied that I was being molested  for reasons I am still not sure of, but did state that my cousin was. Because of this, my uncle was arrested and eventually put in jail.  Maybe part of the reason I denied it is because before this happened, I told my Grandma (that is where it happened, my uncle lived there and she "babysat" my brother, cousin, and I and we would spend the night) and all I got out of her was "oh he wouldn't do that."  Later, I told my parents.  I remember sitting down with them and said that uncle so and so was touching me down there.  I was a little girl, I couldn't explain at the time that he was putting his hands down my pants and doing gross things.  I don't want to elaborate too much, but you can imagine among other things he would do that I shall not name.  I don't remember their reaction because I was crying, all I know is that it didn't stop.  I was still being "watched" by my grandma and all my dad said was that I couldn't go on his motorcycle anymore.  So you think he was molesting me on his motorcycle?  Ok... so it continued until that fateful day when my cousin rescued me, not my parents, not my grandma, but my 9 year old cousin.  Over the years I learned that they thought that maybe my uncle accidentally touched me, like brushing against me or something.  That I was a paranoid little girl and weren't sure to believe me or not.  Ok, did you ever think that maybe I was paranoid because  my uncle was taking me in the back room while my grandma was sleeping and doing those nasty things to me?  Even if they weren't sure, why risk it and put me in the same situation?  I guess because they needed a babysitter and instead of finding another one, it probably wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be right?  Even him being in jail didn't stop him from talking to me.  I was still being watched by my grandma after he was in jail and he would call from jail and she would put me on the phone with him because he wanted to talk to his baby.  How sick is that?  Then after he was out of jail (he did 7 years), my parents invited him over for Thanksgiving dinner.  The only reason he didn't come over was because I overheard my parents talking and started crying.  I didn't want to see that perv and all my mom said was "Why don't you like  my family?"  Ok, let me see here, because they are crazy sick people? If you were raped, would you want to see your rapist at Thanksgiving dinner?  Then another time I went with my family to see my grandparents and he was going to be there and I was told, "He will only be there for a little while."  So basically just suck it up and deal with it.  I spent the whole time in the kitchen avoiding him while he was in the living room.  I have all this resentment and I don't know how to release the anger.  I am not really mad at my uncle, he is a perv and I have accepted that.  Never in my life again, ever, but I don't hold any anger towards him.  What is worse then being molested is nobody believing you or doing anything about it.  I think I hold the resentment towards my mom because it was her brother and she is suppose to have protective instincts like a mother bear and not let anyone hurt her babies.  After telling my parents as an adult exactly how I felt, my dad seemed remorseful and would have done things differently.  My mom just didn't "get" it and I have the feeling that if she could have done it over, she would have done the same thing.  Her excuse was that she was a young parent (she was 27 at the time) and wasn't sure how to handle it.  To this day, she still keeps in contact with my uncle which boggles my mind. I try to have a relationship with her and most of the time we get along fine, but there is always this wall that is between us and I don't think I will ever put it down.  I heard a quote on Oprah before that "forgiveness is not about letting the person back in your life.  Forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could have been different."  Letting go of the anger is a constant battle that I hope one day I will win.

If You Look for Me

The smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven

An opened can of tab sitting in the fridge

The scent of caress soap lingering in the air

These are things I hold dear from her, my angel, my guiding force, my Grandma

The passing has been awhile now, but I feel her everyday

She speaks to me in my ear, always present, always near

“If you look for me, look at the sky, look up high and you will see”

“I am the brightest star shining down, looking at you as you look at me”

As I gaze out into the stars, it comforts me to know she is there

She is such a source of strength, of guidance, and care

Though she is not here in the same sense as I am, she is ever here in my mind

My memories keep her alive, as if she is still holding my hand

Telling me stories, making me laugh, giving advice

I miss her so, but I know I will see her in the next life

Baking chocolate chip cookies

Sipping on a can of tab

Smelling like caress soap

These and much more are the fingerprints she has left on me

Marked by the trails of her existence forever etched in my heart

My angel, my guiding force, my Grandma

She speaks to me in my ear, always present, always near

“If you look for me, look at the sky, look up high and you will see”

“I am the brightest star shining down, looking at you as you look at me.”

A Whole Bunch of Poo

Oh my, what is it with kids and poop?  Is it really that fascinating?  Why can't they smell what we do and be disgusted?  Those and more are questions that I have asked myself because of some recent poo incidents that have occurred in my household.  A few days ago, I was taking a nap with my son and woke up to realize that my baby girl has been napping for quite awhile and I haven't heard a peep.  So, I decide to enter her room and right away as usual, she is right there with a big ol' grin, jumping anxiously in her crib waiting for me to pick her up.  I do what I usually do, smile and grab a hold of her, but I soon realize something is wrong, stinky wrong.  I look in her crib, her diaper is off, streaks of poo smeared on her sheet, her mouth lined with brown stuff, her hands and fingernails with a chunk of it, and her left foot also had it as if she was stepping in it.  Right away, I change my friendly demeanor into a shriek of "OH NO, GROSS, eww, eww, eww, eww!"  I must say though that I did handle it alot better than when it happened with my son when he was a baby.  I think with him if I recall correctly, my reaction was something like, "HONEY, GET IN HERE NOW, HURRAY I NEED HELP, OH MY GOD!"  Of course my "honey" thought I was having a heart attack or something and was running upstairs with the phone getting ready to call 911.  I have never seen anyone so relieved to find out it was just crap thrown on the walls and my son using his poo as a shampoo in his hair.  So what is the fascination with poo?  Is it cuz of the texture, sometimes lumpy, other times smooth like peanut butter?  Is it fun to play with like a wet version of playdoh? How can they taste it and not puke?
Well my little girl is still an angel and my son has turned out fine so far (he's under 5), so I guess there are worse things they could get into, right?  (I'm trying to think of some things)
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention the worst part.  As I picked her up and was about to kiss her on the back of the head out of habit, I quickly stopped myself because as I smelled the poop in her hair and noticed there were two little pieces of green stuff clinging to her hair strands.  Then I remembered, she had peas as a part of her lunch earlier that day.  BARF!

You Didn't Protect Me - Lyrics to a song I wrote to express my feelings on being molested

I may look tough
I may look calm
But inside me is a hurt little girl
You weren't there for me, when I needed it most
You didn't believe me ,when I needed you to
And when you did, the damage was already done
My innocence was stolen, you could have restored it
Time was ticking, you let it run out
Instead of a time of healing, it was a time of blame
Now you are left with the shame
You just stood by while I looked you in the eye, waiting for you to rescue me
But you didn't, you didn't protect me
No you didn't, you didn't protect me

You could have stopped it, but you chose to turn the other way
Now you’ll regret it for the rest of your life
I’ve paid the price of your mistake
A heavy price that is too hard to name
I have suffered, more than you could ever know and I am sick of carrying this load
I could never do to my child what you did
I will always protect them, I will always be there for them, I will always stand up for them.  I will never make your mistake
What I now know, is it is time to let go, it is time for me to show myself, that I can be better cause of this
I will not suffer anymore, I will bring down my wall, I will open my heart again
I will not let this define me anymore
I can heal, I will heal, I have to.  I was hurt by you and now I am just hurting myself
I want to be calm inside as I am out.  I want to not be scared, I want to not feel judged, I want to stop worrying.
 I want to be happy, I want to love life, I want to be free of this pain. 
I know this will always be apart of me, it has shaped the way I am, but it doesn’t have to control me. 
I need to show myself that I deserve to be loved and protected, even though you didn’t think I did.

I may look tough
I may look calm
But inside me is a hurt little girl
You weren't there for me, when I needed it most
You didn't believe me ,when I needed you to
You just stood by while I looked you in the eye, waiting for you to rescue me
But you didn't, you didn't protect me
No you didn't, you didn't protect me
You didn't protect me

Pumping blood back to the heart

Ok, well this is my first post and I wanted it to be about the main reason I am doing this blog.  I was molested as a child and I am still dealing with alot of pain from it.  Being molested was not the worst part, it was that my parents did not do anything about it.  I am in my 30s with two small children and my biggest worry is that I will never have the kind of relationship with my kids that I want because of the kind of person I have become because of what happened.  I love my kids more than anything, but I sometimes am closed off emotionally that I feel I have no control of.  I have been to countless therapists and read many books and nothing has seemed to "fix" things.  The only thing that does seem to help is talking about the sexual abuse with others, so I thought what better way to get my pain out then through a blog.  I of course will blog about other things too, like motherhood, day to day frustrations, humorous topics (even though the start of this blog isn't one), and just whatever topics may come up. 

I know there are many other people out there that have gone through the same thing, but we just keep it under the rug as if it didn't happen.  I know from my experience I have been told things like "it happened so long ago, you shouldn't still be dealing with this, "you have to just let it go, " was it really that bad?"  Those are from people that just don't get it or don't care to.  We need to clean the dirt that has been swept under the rug and bring it to the surface.  It is still a taboo subject and it shouldn't be.  By not talking about it or being made to feel bad by talking about it, creates a feeling like "we" did something wrong or that we should just "drop" it.  Talking about this openly and honestly is the only way we can help prevent molestation, help others heal from abuse, and to educate people about it.